ABT’s Gillian Murphy on Finding Balance Between Control and Abandon

I was an introverted kid, but I constantly hummed, waltzed, and twirled through the house, wearing out the tips of my sneakers because I enjoyed standing on my toes. When my parents took me to ballet classes, I felt liberated and in my element learning a language that allowed me to express my internal world. And even after 28 years as a professional ballerina, I still learn something new about that language every day. The physical, mental, and emotional rigors of the art form are constantly fulfilling challenges, and I love the satisfaction of technical or artistic breakthroughs, of gleaning a way to bring new life to a role.

Rehearsals allow me to focus on every nuance and investigate how I can use my port de bras, eyes, breath, and footwork both to amplify my connection with the music and the poetry of the choreography, and to share my own imagination and heartfelt experience. I enjoy this creative process of fine-tuning now more than ever.

At the same time, nothing compares to the daunting, exhilarating freedom of being onstage, of feeling the synergy with the orchestra, my peers, and the audience. In performances, I strive to keep my mind clear of the countless corrections and expectations that came before and affirm that I am ready (even if I’ll never feel fully prepared), so that I can be spontaneous with my partner and adaptable to anything that happens. I find this balancing act between control and abandon endlessly inspiring, and it was a huge epiphany in my development when I embraced the profound beauty of being completely aware and in the moment, but without judgment or extra tension. I’ve been fortunate to travel all over the world in my career, and I still find that this invigorating and centering mental “zone” is my favorite place to be.

Dance gives me the opportunity to explore the possibilities of expression and transformation, and to communicate my understanding of life’s intricacies, pathos, and joy. More than that, dance allows me to spend my life surrounded by playful, intuitive, vulnerable, generous, and driven colleagues and coaches, and to learn from their collective humanity and expertise. I dance to demonstrate my gratitude and profound respect for them, and I dance to pass this ephemeral craft on to the next generation.