Congratulations to the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team for their epic World Cup dominance! Now that the tournament is over and we're basking in all the patriotic feminist glory, we decided to do the only thing that made sense to us as soccer-obsessed dancers: Decide what kind of dancers the USWNT players would be if they made sudden and drastic career changes.
We've been watching their technique closely for weeks now, and have come up with what we're pretty sure is a definitive and highly accurate list:
Megan Rapinoe: Contemporary Ballet
You're probably familiar with star forward Megan Rapinoe's port de bras. But have you seen her attitude derrière?! We're honestly envious. Pinoe clearly has the technique for ballet, but with her penchant for pink hair and outspokenness (which we love!), we think a contemporary troupe would be the best fit.
Tobin Heath: Postmodern Dance
Fast footwork and crisp, clean lines come naturally to Tobin Heath. The forward can arguably control the ball better than any player on the field. What better style to show off her abilities than the postmodern work of choreographers like Merce Cunningham or Pam Tanowitz? We think she'd fit right in.
Alyssa Naeher: European Contemporary Dance
If you saw keeper Alyssa Naeher's heroic penalty kick save during the semifinal game against England, you know she isn't afraid to dive headfirst onto the ground. She'd be just the kind of dancer who would thrive in the contemporary dance scene in Europe, where techniques like Flying Low demand lots of floorwork.
Samantha Mewis, Rose Lavelle and Emily Sonnett: Broadway
Okay, so they could use a litttttle more rehearsal. But midfielders Samantha Mewis and Rose Lavelle and defender Emily Sonnett clearly have the work ethic and passion for a career on the Great White Way. (Just maybe not the rhythm?)
Alex Morgan: Hip Hop
Alex Morgan is celebrating all over the rest of the world https://t.co/UgSRWQtshq— Barstool Sports (@Barstool Sports)1562524799.0
Some criticized her tea-sipping celebration, but that was really nothing compared to Alex Morgan's post-championship celebration dance. As the team's star center forward and someone who is willing to twerk on video, she clearly has no fear; something that comes in handy when you're working in the fast-paced commercial dance scene.
Kelley O'Hara: STREB
Kelly O'Hara is a daredevil defender, as proven by the near concussion-inducing collision she suffered during the final game yesterday. She also has one of the most terrifyingly forceful kicks on the team, and can jump ridiculously high. She'd need a dance company that can challenge her extreme physicality, like STREB and its superhuman feats.